Ladies, this one is (mostly) for you. I am writing this in hopes that we can come to terms, and possibly reverse, this rather unhealthy epidemic that seems to be plaguing so many women I know. I, myself, come from a long line of over-functioners. An over-functioner is the type of woman who wears an invisible cape and others remark that they “don’t know how she does it.” Excelling and overdoing it in every aspect of their life (work, home, friends, etc.). Men can fall prey to over-functioning but let’s call a spade a spade, society is constructed in such a way that women are “expected” or “groomed” to assume this role. What we may have given little thought to are the long-term effects and negative consequences this behavior has on our relationships and ultimately, our life satisfaction.
Step away from the volunteer sign-ups, to do lists, and mounds of laundry to read this. Stop rescuing others who “slack” and don’t justify your behavior with statements like, “if I don’t do it, it won’t get done”. These are the things that perpetuate an unfulfilling and exhausting cycle, leading us to do more so others in our lives feel they can do less, which leads to resentment and unbalanced relationships (where you give more than you receive).
Let me guess, when you were in school (or maybe still are), you were the person in group projects who took initiative and assumed the bulk of the workload, allowing the other members of your group to coast along. As a result, you grew to hate group projects because you now had triple the work to do (yours and everyone else’s). Somehow, we convince ourselves that we keep getting unlucky and finding ourselves surrounded by under-functioners. The truth is this characteristic (overfunctioning), followed you into the workplace, your marriage, and parenthood. It shows up everywhere (maybe even with your extended family), “hello…who’s hosting the family for the holidays?” You always step up because you feel (whether accurate or not) that others expect you to. Or, maybe it’s simply self-imposed guilt. You are the type of person who can never do enough. It is an unending and relentless pull. Guess what…it doesn’t have to be.
You can have balance. You can even empower those around you to do more and stop enabling them. It’s a hard shift to make but it can be liberating and empowering. You don’t have to say “yes”, especially to requests that haven’t actually been asked (we call these “expectations”). The difficulty is that instead of waiting for others to step up or even asking them to, you can control and reshape your relationship dynamics by changing what you do (or in your case, don’t do). It won’t be easy. If it was, you would already be doing it! It will go against your nature. You will have to let go of control, deal with things slipping through the cracks, or allow others to judge you for not doing more. But, there is peace on the other side. I recommend these shifts to anyone feeling “burned out”, unappreciated or not valued, taken advantage of, overwhelmed and overextended. These are all signs that you are overfunctioning in one or more areas (or relationships) in your life.
Stop expecting others to do more while you continue to do it all, but nag them to do more. Your words and your actions are not matching. As a therapist, I call this incongruence. If you are caught in this cycle (of asking other people to do more and when they don’t, you feel disappointed and rescue them anyway), you have to stop willing the other people in your life to change and recognize that you only have the power to control or change your own behaviors. Let me say it another way, you cannot keep willing other people to change their behavior, you have to be willing to change your behavior. The expression, “for every action, there is an equal/opposite reaction” comes to mind. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. This may be where you are. You keep doing the same thing and even if you think it isn’t you that needs to change, this is the only thing you can control. Your change will force others to change in response (opposite reaction).
Make a list of things that can be delegated. If your plate is full and others’ have room on theirs, consider what you can serve them. This may come as a surprise but when asked by researchers, others actually feel badly about taking advantage of others or not contributing/pulling their weight. So, make a list of tasks or duties that you can share. Then, be sure to allow them to do the task their way (even if it is imperfect, this is a step). Refrain from criticizing their contributions and instead express appreciation. Allowing others to pitch in requires that you let go of the need to have it done a certain way (we all know there’s a right way and a wrong way to fold the towels, but c’est la vie).
Set limits/boundaries and reinforce them when others push back. Other people can resist boundaries, especially when they benefit from your lack of boundaries. You may feel “guilt tripped” into reverting back into your old ways. Stick to it and remember that it takes an average of 21 days to form a new habit. Give yourself and others time to adjust to these new rules. Prepare yourself because it does get worse before it gets better. This means that you should expect change to take time and be uncomfortable. After all, you are stepping out of what feels familiar and you will inevitably experience growing pains.
I wish you well as you try to let go of the immense responsibilities you have accumulated.
If you would like support in working on this, please reach out. 561-213-9803 or jamie@brodarick.com