Parents,
I wish I had written this sooner. Truth be told, like so many of you I have not had the time or energy. Right now, we are in the trenches. Trying to ensure our child (or children) attends virtual school while also keeping the house in order, being an entertainer, chef, teacher, therapist, playmate, etc. Oh, and also we can barely leave the house. We cannot have play dates or receive support from extended family/friends. Some of us are also working, and so is your partner. We are just trying to survive. The anxiety is mounting, our fuses are shorter, and on top of it all, we are judging ourselves for not doing a better job (we “should” have done more creative projects, fussed at them less, not allowed as much screen time, not ordered as much take out, etc.). Please stop with the self-judgment. We are in the middle of a pandemic and we are all just trying to do the best we can.
Did you keep your child (or children) alive? Were their basic needs met? Did you read them a story? Love on them? Please remember to acknowledge all of the great effort and contributions you are making. Also, please remember that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Soon, our lives will return to something we recognize as “normal”. Summer break is on the horizon and at least one of the pressures (virtual school) will cease. In case no one has told you, you are incredible…brave and selfless…and trying oh so hard.
I am constantly amazed at the men and women I talk to who can’t see their invisible capes. They walk me through their typical day and I listen in awe at their super-hero accomplishments. If you are fortunate enough to have a partner, please turn to them as an ally. I have to be fully transparent and share that my husband and I initially struggled with juggling our work responsibilities with caring for our daughter (age 2). We are used to having full-time day care and even with support from our parents, it was so challenging. We both had conference calls/Zoom meetings while our child wailed for attention in the background. It has been one of the most stressful times in our 15 year relationship. However, we came together and developed a schedule, a system that works for us. Both of us are Ps in the Meyers Briggs (if you are unfamiliar, it means we tend to be flexible and adaptable and not particularly fond of structure/routine). He is my teammate and I had to treat him as such. There have been many nights when my head hit the pillow and I reflected on my day as a mom…did I pay her enough attention, am I causing permanent damage (ah…the curse of being a mental health professional), what could I have done better?
I spoke to a friend recently who offered such wisdom on this subject. She referred to her parents’ approach as “free-range parenting”, which basically meant that children were left with minimal supervision and left to their own devices to find entertainment. This person turned out to be extremely successful and well-adjusted if you’re wondering. It occurred to me that my generation (and those younger than me) are doing the opposite and often veer towards the helicopter parenting style. I contemplated the importance of balance. We don’t have to be hands off but we don’t need to hover either. This means, when our children tell us they are “bored” with a room full of toys, we can turn to them and say, “I’m sure you will find a solution to that problem if you think long enough” rather than try to find something to capture and hold their interest. The pressure we put on ourselves is all consuming sometimes. I hope this pandemic prompts us to re-evaluate much of the way we live our lives. Maybe we can start here, being more compassionate toward ourselves and owning our limitations as parents, partners, and people.