This is not the blog I wanted to write, nor was I mentally/emotionally prepared to do so. I got the call today that our embryo transfer wasn’t successful. My pregnancy test was negative.
Yesterday was our nine year anniversary. Today was good Friday. Sunday is my favorite holiday…Easter. I had convinced myself that nothing but the best news could come on a day like today.
On March 31st, after weeks of preparing my body for our baby (the shots, the patches, and vitamins), we arrived at our fertility clinic filled with excitement and anticipation. The same clinic that had miraculously given us our daughter (who is now almost 2). I was sure that this baby (a boy who we had already named) was ours. I could see his future and how he would fit perfectly into our little family. I taught my daughter how to say his name. I picked out the theme of his room and made plans to move my home office. I rearranged my class schedule in preparation for his arrival since we knew his due date. I talked to him these past 10 days as I rubbed my belly and tried my very best to remain calm and peaceful as I awaited the news.
We were so incredibly lucky the first time around, so perhaps I was over-confident. I have been so open with so many people and shared with them my heartbreak today. The kindness and condolences my friends, family, and neighbors have extended today has helped me considerably.
Our baby was frozen for almost three years and in this time, I allowed myself to plan and envision our future with him…who he would become, and how he would complete our family. Now, I have to mourn the loss of a life I envisioned and planned. Unless you have experienced this process, it is difficult to explain to people how a cluster of cells feels like a miscarriage and devastating loss. This truly is an emotional roller coaster, one that I will explain in greater detail when my heart heals.
I know I have so much to be grateful for and I count my blessings often. In closing, I am reminded that the gift of life is so very precious. I kissed my little girl a little longer before putting her down for bed tonight as I thought about how sacred of an opportunity it is that I get to be her mama.